Not Happy…

I am not happy.  I should be but I am not.  I, through things that are all entirely my fault, have backed myself into a corner which I can see no way out of.  I am unhappy because I sacrificed everything I had to be successful.  I have a good job and a dog, but I am slowly pushing away the only thing that I really give a damn about.  Princess.  She is my best friend, and one of the few people that I can actually talk to.  She lives 400 miles away and i would go to see her at the drop of a hat, but I cant right now.  I hate that I have the money and the time to go see her but because she is at her parents house she is off limits. 

She came to visit me not two long ago and I had a lot of fun.  In the end though I fucked up that week as well.  The entire week leading up to the visit I was like a chained dog.  Pulling on the lead in a effort to make thing move forward.  It did not work and just made me stress out.  In the end I got left with a sour taste in my mouth.  Not because anything went wrong, but because I got too excited.  A why me, mentality has set in.  I know it is all in my head but unfortunutly that is where I spend a lot of my time.

Work is unfulfilling.  I work with people who are no where near my age doing nothing.  The last few months there has been nothing to do.  A new initiative has bogged down all IT projects.  This means that everyday at work I sit doing nothing for 6-7 hours.  It is frustrating and I hate it, but there is very little I can do about it.

  I have a car but have no where to go.  Even if  I did I don’t think that I could.  I love my dog Bunta but right now I feel like he is part of the problem.  I want to travel.  Go see friends, but mostly go see princess.  I hate leaving him home with my roommate, but think it would be unfair for me to bring him and leave him in a hotel room somewhere.  I guess I could put him in doggie day care but that would be costly and I worry about him with other dogs.

I made some friends finally.  Scott and Jason.  Unfortunately since none of us work the same shift I can’t hang out with either of them it seems.  So it basically feels like I have no friends at all.

I am not happy right now and it is making me destroy the things I care about.  I look back on the way I am acting and it seems like I am juggling Fabergé eggs with Hulk gloves on.  Every little thing thing makes me into an emotional wreck.   Last night I passed out without saying goodnight to Princess.  It has happened before, but I woke up feeling like I had betrayed her, and that I do not love her enough.  It is going to weigh on me for a while.